OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
meet me or not, i'm out of control
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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