the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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