She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
