my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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