I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
