Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
