last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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