4 words: hood of his car
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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