Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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