If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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