Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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