I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
