my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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