omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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