Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
