my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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