how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
