Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
