My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
