dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
