He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
