dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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