It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
