Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
