Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
