Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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