He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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