I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
