He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
