my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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