So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
