I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
