we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
