I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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