plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
