Pappa wants mamma naked
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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