He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
