Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
