So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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