I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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