ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
