I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
