Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
