moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
