Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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