Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
