Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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