oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
