The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
