He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
