There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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