So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
