So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You are the jesus of drinking
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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